Good Morning! Today is a glorious Thursday and tomorrow D and I leave to fly out to Manassas, VA for a week with his parents. I’m really excited to be going back to the DC area because there is just so much history there. I love seeing the old houses, battlefields and cemeteries. I look forward to seeing the family too since we rarely get to spend time with them. But I won’t be able to get past my book addiction even while I’m there.
I have a Goodreads account and I am so fastidious about it. I would say that I visit the website at least two or three times a day. I’m always marking the last book I read or adding to my ‘To Read List’. But Goodreads is something that I only discovered in April of this year. I immediately found the 2012 Reading Challenge and put in the number of books I would read before the end of this year. Because I have an OCD about numbers with the ending of 3,6 or 9, I set my goal as 199 books. I know it sounds like a lot but this, reading, is what I do (okay, I write too!) and it makes me pretty happy. So today is the 27 December 2012 and I have read 201 books for this year so far. I’m pretty happy with myself. I plan to set my goal for 2013 at 333. But before I get there I’d like to give myself another challenge, a 30 in 30 goal. For the next 30 days I will read the books from the list I will be building today.
So to show my extreme attentiveness to detail I will admit that my notebook, which I use as a day-to-day bible, contains lists of things to do, noting ideas for writing stories and a list of movies to be seen and books to read which are already on my kindle. From the 787 books to read I am picking this 30. Oh this is so exciting because until I start the list I won’t even know what they are…
There it is, my list. I plan to do some book reviews of some of these books. A lot of them are Young Adult, which is what I really read a lot of. I know I’ve been badly educated not having read The Hobbit yet. I’ll be fixing that within the next month. I’m going to ride this all out and see how it goes. Maybe you can make your own list, a shorter list, and see how many you can read.
Mental health care… This is a topic close to my heart. Being a somewhat stable bipolar person, I just have to have it, but many people just don’t. With tragedies happening everyday it’s something that really needs to be addressed. Those who suffer any kind of mental illness need affordable and competent health care but insurance companies and the payment policies work against the very people who fight desperately to overcome their disabilities. Why? It’s a good question and I don’t know if there is a truly GOOD answer to be found. There were more deaths by suicide in the Military this year than there were deaths by combat. And the suicide of 15 year old Amanda Todd remains fresh in the minds of many.
I have been at the bottom of my own illness, Axis 1 Bipolar Disorder. I was diagnosed in 2005, after years of being misdiagnosised and mismedicated. I’ve been in the mental health system since 1985 when I was only 12. In school I had trouble concentrating because of crippling anxiety, I had a hard time maintaining relationships because I would be extroverted at times and behave erratically and then at other points I would miss weeks of school because I was too afraid of going to school or just couldn’t get out of bed. My senior year of school I missed 91 days of a 180 day school year. Doctor’s notes were my best friend. I have harmed myself by means of drug abuse, cutting and hitting myself until I bruised myself far worse than anyone else could have beat me. As I got older I would swing from working 2 jobs and going to college for 21 units to being so ill that I would miss classes, just as I did as a child, weeks on end. I have always suffered from terrible insomnia and as I got older it only got worse. It wasn’t unusual for me to go days without sleep, causing my body to crash and making me delusional. Even today I rely on Ambien a few times a week to get some sleep at night.
In 2005 I had my first true crisis. I woke up one day after having a semester of emotional trouble to mind crippling anxiety. I believed that I was dying and that my birth control was sending messages to the government. I went to a mental health clinic where they diagnosed me as being depressed and gave me Zoloft. Two days later I woke in the night convinced I either had to kill myself or my boyfriend. I was out of control and despite all my boyfriend’s attempts to settle me I couldn’t come back down to earth. The clinic wouldn’t see me again because I had failed to see the County Mental Health Services as I had been directed to. Weeks later I had quit school, refused to leave the house and my doctor and social worker would just ask me over and over if I wanted to end up on disability. They couldn’t understand that it wasn’t that I wouldn’t do the things they wanted me to do. I mentally wasn’t capable.
I went in and out of health care until I was diagnosed. From there I got a psychiatrist who didn’t agree with the previous diagnosis because I couldn’t come out of my depression and she medicated me with Risperdal, 20 mg a day, Zoloft and Adderall. Adderall is a great medication for someone suffering Bipolar (this is sarcasm). I was cutting so badly I was visiting the Emergency room and I developed an obsession so severe that I began to stalk a member of the group counseling session I was forced to attend. My mood was fluctuating so badly that I would suffer from debilitating crying fits to moments of such euphoria that I couldn’t sit still. I found myself in the Psych Ward twice in August 2007.
Things were horrible for the next three years, I couldn’t leave the house to go anywhere but doctor’s appointments and my husband had to attend those appointments with me. I couldn’t speak to strangers and my fear of people in general meant that I could barely handle being in the same space as another person. It all crescendoed in August of 2010 when I decided that for my birthday, October 9th, I would kill myself. The cutting got worse, I was cutting more than 20 times a day. The beginning of September I entered the hospital and my first day there I attempted to slit my wrist with a plastic knife. I was desperate to just not be sick anymore.
I spent three weeks in Thalians Hospital in Los Angeles. I spent time in isolation and had a “baby sitter” because I was a risk to myself. It was rough and when I got out of the hospital I was terrified of myself. I went to work with my husband because I believed I would kill myself if I were left alone. Things were so bad that I was taking 18 pills of all differnt medications a day just to manage. It took months to even out and start to function, but when I did it was finally better for the first time in years.
The last two years have been relatively good. I have my good times and my bad times. I know that I HAVE to take my meds because if I don’t I can’t survive without them, and I WANT to live. It was the middle of last year that I had the epiphany that quite possibly for the first time in my life, I liked myself. I have a psychiatrist I see every 2-3 weeks and a psychologist that I see every week and because being ill is so hard on my marriage my husband and I attend marriage counseling. I know what to look for in my own behaviors and symptoms and what to do before it gets bad. It’s been a real battle for me. Everyday I fight just to get myself to deal and everytime I have to leave the house I actually have to make myself do it because I still feel anxious and frightened by people. The whole saying of “faking ’til you make it” is a motto that I live by now.
So when I see these stories on the news of these people who lose the fight. Who don’t stay medicated. Who fail to get the care they need, whether it is their own choice or for lack of opportunity, my heart feels a kinship. I read the stories and I know what it is like to lose it. I almost lost it all. When I see the heartbreak, I can’t help but think, that could be me. I could be that person who gives up or let’s go. I could wreak that damage.
Health care in America is at a catastrophic state. It is almost normal for those who are ill to be at not just the mental disadvantage, but to also be at the disadvantage of politics and beauracracy. Insurance companies instead of doctors are determining what is necessary care and what is the responsibilty of the patient. Doctor’s visits and medication is so expensive and many patients take 4-5 different medications to get by. If you want to know how bad just look at the headlines. Help those who can’t help themselves and help those who try to get what they need. Write your congressmen and senators and tell them that something MUST be done. People can’t rely on the goodness of companies to do what is right, we unfortunately need legislature to help those in need. How many more tragedies do we have to face? And isn’t losing one more person to something that can be managed a misfortune?
It’s Christmas and all the creatures, meek and mild have gotten kitty treats. The three turtles laying got shrimp and D made me eggnog pancakes. I know, it’s just like a Christmas story! We have opened our first Christmas presents. (We open one an hour all day long. Stretch it all out, so we have a very Merry Christmas.)
So in the spirit of Christmas D and I read the classic, A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. I think I have seen three or four different film and animated versions in movies and tv shows… but the book struck me as something very different. I really didn’t expect it to be a story of Christianity’s goodness with visits from the Father, Son and Holy Ghost and the redemption of man-kind on the day of birth of Jesus Christ. Now I am not a really religious person, I have my faith but I don’t feel the need to rail against things that are irreverent, nor do I read into things a heavy handed preaching that is not there. So this is a work of literary criticism and nothing more.
Through out many of the ancient societies and in history, the Usury has held the place of the worst avarice and greed. Cato in de re Rustica was quoted as saying, “What do you think of the Usury?–What do you think of murder?” That belief was held also by Dante who placed the money lenders in the lowest ring of the seventh circle of the Inferno… below that of murders. The Usury had never had the endorsement by those of in common society, they were merely a tool to keep desperate people desperate and those who earned their wealth through it’s money changing hands and not by the works of labor were seen as particular devils. So it is no surprise that Dickens places Mr Scrooge as a man of the Usury. He believes only in the value of the coin he trades and the wealth that he has earned through it’s means.
On Christmas Eve he is acting in his typical heartless ways prior to leaving the office, he belittles those looking for help for charity, snubs his nephew and then begrudges his employees need for Christmas day off. All with a hollow clink of the change in his hollow heart and overfull pocket.
Upon arriving home, whispers of his conscience prickle him, he sees his former partner’s face in the knocker of his front
The Cratchit’s
door. At first he thinks he’s seeing things. It’s as if arriving home to an empty home drives home an unspoken regret. Not long after becoming comfortable for the night, Jacob Marley’s ghost arrives in full form. Like those in the seventh level of hell, Marley has known no peace in death, admitting that he travels far and without ceasing, while often unseeingly being by Scrooge’s side. He has died a mortal life and there is nothing for him but an eternity of paying for his sins. He warns Scrooge that he will be visited by three spirits and that they will arrive over the next coming three days. Surprising to Scrooge, time passes backward and forward in a supernatural way, leaving Scrooge at a loss for the time that has come or gone. He knows only of the time that he is witnessing with the spirits.
When the first spirit comes, “It was a strange figure–like a child: yet not so like a child as like an old man… It’s hair, which hung about it’s neck and down it’s back, was white as if with age; and yet the face had not a wrinkle on it, and the tenderest bloom was on it’s skin.” His description goes on to say that he had the bearing of strength and purity while his countenance was beautiful and by the means of his dress was emblematic of the different seasons of the year. Lastly, “the strangest thing about it was, that from the crown of it’s head there sprang a bright clear jest of light, by which [all else was seen].
The unguessable age and beauty, the incapability to pin point the true nature of this many qualities which shifted and passed the countenance of this spirit, and his halo, say to me that this first spirit is that of the immense grace. A supernatural force who can show, as he does with Scrooge, the colors of our hearts throughout the years. Reminding us of the importance of the family we have known, the things which have shaped us and those that turn our hearts bright and dark. During his visit he bades Scrooge, “Rise! And walk with me.” And so Scrooge does.
The last sad chapter of Scrooge’s visit with the Spirit of Christmas Past is the parting of ways with the woman who had loved him in their poverty but questions his faith in his wealth. She says to him, “It matters little… To you, very little. Another idol has displaced me.” Scrooge questions her asking, “What Idol has displaced you?” her answer is, “A golden one.” Scrooge is now worshipping false idols and has lost the companion who loves him to it. A more empty existence he embraces.
The second spirit is a man who arrives with an feast of goods to surround him. And with his will, the horn which he carries, he goes and he spreads the spirit of the holidays. The goodness of Christianity, to be thoughtful, kind and gracious. He takes Scrooge through the streets where in the hearths of those they path the passion of the spirit burns bright and warm. He asks Scrooge, “You have never seen the like of me before? — Have never walked forth with the younger members of my family; meaning my elder brothers born in later years?” But Scrooge can not admit that he knows of the spirit or his family.
The second spirit, that of the word and grace of the Shepard takes Scrooge from the city to the mines and then to the seas. Each visit show Scrooge how those who know this spirit celebrate him with open hearts and share their beliefs with those around them. It’s not a singular phenomenon, the teachings of this spirit is pandemic and those who Scrooge sees are not beaten down by their lack of wealth, matter or circumstance they are joyful for the intangibles and the ability to share their joy with others. The spirit says to Scrooge, “Man, if you be in heart, not adamant, forbear that wicked can’t until you have discovered what the surplus is, and where it is. Will you decide what man shall live and what shall die? It may be in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than millions like this poor man’s child.” The child is the sickly Tiny Tim, an innocent and inspiration to his family. Sick in body but sound of mind.
When the spirit later shows the evil’s of man, Ignorance and Want, Scrooge is warned about them. The boy, Ignorance, the spirit vehemently tells Scrooge, “to beware this boy, for on his brow [the spirit] can see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. Deny it!” The spirit also tells Scrooge that there are those who commit the seven sins, “…who lay claim to know us, and who do their deeds of passions, pride, ill-will, hatred, envy, bigotry and selfishness in our name.” But reassures him that they do these things on their own and our not the charge of the spirits.
Upon the visit of the last spirit Scrooge is plagued by the silence of the ghost. He leaves him on edge and his visage remains unseen, a mystery in robes. Scrooge follows him as he has made the claim that he wants to change now but that he understands that it is important that he have all three visitations. In this final view of things Scrooge sees that he will die a mortal death that will touch the lives of few. He won’t be able to take his wealth with him and others will come to steal it before his body has even cooled. Few will speak well of him and he becomes aware that those who do know of him only by means of senseless business. No one mourns him. Life ends but his cold existence will continue into a past life just as Marley’s.
This final spirit is the promise of hope through faith. That to find the spirits of the three ghosts inside of you promises you not only happiness in earthly life, but it leaves a more worthwhile legacy to those who survive you. That by touching hearts it is a more personal wealth than that of gathering coin. Scrooge awakes a new man and finds that the visits have given him the gift of renewal on the day that Christ was born. He buys the Cratchit’s a huge turkey and has it delivered anonymously, the good deed needn’t be announced. When he passes the man who sought funds for charity the day before and received a careless reply then, Scrooge stops him and promises him a great boon. And lastly he goes to his nephew and they enjoy the bond of family and good spirit. The following morning the meek Cratchit’s inherit the fortune which they have been denied and a new life is begun.
These visits inspire Scrooge to a better life. The movies don’t truly portray this and I feel two ways about it. I can appreciate the message that Dickens but I think that people are more moved often by the spectral threat of the paranormal. The thought that bad will be brought forth by what you have done and you will be haunted by it, not necessarily that through the haunting you will find redemption. And in our own modern times I think that it often takes a tragedy to produce a miracle and that changes of heart are more of a commercial model than the ways of man. How would Dickens write his story if it were set in our times? Would Scrooge be a Wall Street man and would Tiny Tim have something like autism? And I guess the real heart of the matter would be could Americans free themselves from Ignorance and Want to see how much we let it rule the world today. But at least we can share the words of Tiny Tim, “And God bless us, everyone,” while we compare Christmas presents on Facebook and battle others for after Christmas sales.
This is the first entry in my BRAND NEW BLOG! Isn’t this so exciting? It’s like a grown-up blog. This is a Christmas present from D. I have been paying Typepad.com money every month for my page and since we are trying to save money for a house, this is a lot cheaper and a lot more versatile. I guess I’m breaking up with Typepad. (Sorry baby… I think we should start seeing other people.)
So what will this be? It’s going to be more of the same, but better. I was looking at an old blog I had (Anyone remember Vox… I loved Vox) and I looked through my entries and it really was a great blog… well if you could get past my major hard-on for Twilight. (I was younger and really misguided. Don’t let me get away with it though… can you say OBSESSED?) But back to my point. The blog had a lot of me invested in it. It wasn’t so much of me trying as I may have been doing and a great deal more of recently, just what I was passionate about on any given day. Let’s be fair, people who are passionate have more to talk about and don’t have to work so hard at thinking up new things to talk about. Let me be passionate again! Please?
Tonight is a Sunday night and D and I just watched the 1938 version of A Christmas Carol. I have a thing for old movies. A lot of time I find myself laughing at the innocence and acting abilities of those who are in them, but they are so good. There is something about classics. Watching this made D want to see the 1971 version and left me with a desire to read the Dickens’s book. (It’s free on Amazon and only 112 pages. Do it! You can read that in a few hours and you will feel better for it.) But to think about it for a moment Christmas movies in general are pretty awesome. Just yesterday we watched Scrooged. I have to say… whatever happened to Bobcat Goldthwait? I loved that guy! And to be really honest at the end of the movie when the little boy who doesn’t talk says “And god bless us, everyone!” I cried. Yep, I’m a big crier, of course it’s a little sad when you cry watching a Bill Murray movie.
And remember when you were a kid and you would watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and you wanted to be a dentist when you grew up? Well maybe not. I just loved watching it with my Grandma and Grandpa. And The Year Without Santa? Didn’t you just love that one? It was different to be a kid back then. We had Ataris and Rubik’s Cubes. There was no X-box or LeapFrog Learning Games. I was excited to get Strawberry Shortcake dolls and Michael Jackson cassettes. And Christmas was huge for me back then my aunts and uncles would come. The tree would have tons of gifts and on Christmas morning we would have to wait for my Aunt Jamie and Uncle Mike for hours because they were always late. I never realized back then how incredible it was to get to spend time with all my family like that. And then my friend Holly and I would play in the snow. Yeah those were the days…
So now I’m an adult and I live in San Diego where there is no snow. I see my mom’s Christmas tree by pictures my sister sends via text. I’m pretty socially maltarded and I don’t have that group of friends to go out with and celebrate. My tree doesn’t have that many presents as it did when I was a kid. My grandparents are all gone and sending photos of animals in Christmas clothing on Facebook is my substitute for Christmas cards. Things have changed so much, but I feel really lucky now, because this Christmas I know how much I value all those ones that have come before. I can watch Miracle on 34th Street and A Christmas Story and think back to all the places and people who I have watched them in the past. And this Christmas might be the best because I get to spend my day with D and I know that I have something better than a new sweater or another Furry Bones figurine. This year we have one another and all the books and movies and toys, I get to share with my best friend. I miss being a kid but growing up is pretty great.
So here’s to new blogs, new things and old friends. I wish you the best, warm thoughts and prayers. I hope you have the best of all that is old and what’s new. And I hope you have someone to share it all with, because at the end of it all, it’s the people we have and not the things that we get.